Our days are filled with Joy

There are days when joy is so simple and carefree and others when it is a choice. I am trying daily to make that choice. To stop my "flesh woman" from getting stressed and caught up the the daily tasks and enjoy the time that is fleeting by. Instead of getting my house clean, I go out on sunny days and enjoy this weather with my baby. Instead of making home cooked meals, and I mean real home cooked meals not the instant or ten minute kind cuz that's what I do, I read to my baby or go for a walk or simply enjoy my time with her and my husband. I'm learning that these daily tasks will always be there and no they aren't bad, although my laundry pile looks positively evil at the moment, but this time in my life, it's so short and I want to enjoy it. I'm not living in nirvana by any means. I still get stressed or yell or just loose it sometimes but it's been a slow and gradual change. One I'm still working on. Oh I wish I could just be perfect now, that way I wouldn't mess up any thing or any one. But then I suppose I wouldn't need to rely on Jesus.

temper tantrums

They have begun. Temper tantrums. I had heard of them and from what I read many toddlers at my daughters age had had several. I had figured that she too had had a few (what's up with my had hads?) and I figured I could handle them and they really weren't so bad. I'm a pretty good mom and I like to think of myself as knowing my child very well, in fact I know my child better than anyone. Well I was wrong about the temper tantrums. She hadn't had one, not yet anyways until recently. And every day she has one... at least. And always, ALWAYS in public. Today we were at the grocery store and she melts down, full on crying and screaming. People were staring at me. How embarrassing. I never thought I would be one of those moms that has a screaming child, in public. Well so I'm not super mommy, well I knew that in the back of my mind I just thought I was better at it. So now I will be looking at ways to cope with these TTs. I hope they don't last long. Who am I kidding I remember throwing TTs when I was in college :D eeekkk 

In His Presence

Today God has really shown up. Yes I know He is always there but today He showed Himself to me, His blessings, His grace, His peace. I can't say how much I needed today. It all began with a "chance" run in with my pastor/business partner. We were both renewing our car's registration sticker at the court house and had about a 45min wait. He told me this was no accident and asked how I was. I told him truthfully the things I've been struggling with (my faith and how it seems to be dwindling and how it seems that its my circumstances but I can't change them, yada yada). And we had a good talk. I must say that I have felt God's presence and peace about the whole thing since talking to him. I even went to Wal-Mart where Josephine was screaming and with God's grace I was able to respond in love and patience (which is so not like me especially in a public place). Now my baby is sleeping and I've been reading "Mary Spirit" which is just re-affirming everything that I've been struggling with. Thank you God for showing up today. I don't know who was praying for me today but Thank you!!! 

Not such a bad momma

Today I have been looking through those mother hood websites and found an article that was horrifying. 

We all have “days like those.” You know – the kind of day where all you want to do is plug your child into a “Barney” marathon while you hide in the closet with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s or maybe a chocolate martini. Or maybe your bad day involves being so completely distracted that junior winds up at preschool wearing two different shoes. Or, perhaps you’re wracked with guilt on the days when every meal you feed your child involves some form of Pillsbury pastry product. (What? No one else does that?)
 
Whatever “bad mama mojo” triggers your guilty conscience, I have a cure. The next time you start beating yourself up over a trip to McDonald’s or 2.5 hours of television instead of only 2, consider the story of Kelly Marie Pocock of Wales.
 
Pocock was convicted of “cruelty to a child under the age of 16” for allowing her 3 year-old to smoke while she talked on the phone. An acquaintance filmed the incident with her camera phone and turned the footage in to the authorities. Apparently, the child had been seen smoking with some level of expertise on several other occasions – not only inhaling properly, but also lighting his own cigarettes.
 
So, seriously, I don’t think you need to feel bad about a few French fries or an extra episode of Caillou."

Not that I want to compare myself to this lady buy I suppose there will always be better mothers than me but also worse mothers. So I can only do my best and try my hardest even tho' it often doesn't feel like its enough.

I'm Tired of Fighting

My hands are up. I don't know what to do. So Lord do what You will.
I'm pretty good at playing like my life is happy. And for the most part I guess it is. Not much to complain about. A wonderful family, a house, a God who loves me unconditionally. So why then do I get so sad and depressed? Feeling like I'm just barely getting by? Well that's how I've been feeling lately. Without revealing too much I feel like I'm at an impasse and don't know what to do about my situation. I feel like I'm loosing my faith or that I could be if I don't get everything right. So I've been looking at my surroundings, trying... no, more like fighting to fix it all and make it right. But it won't get fixed by fighting. No, I should have known better. So my hands are up Lord. Now when things look hopeless I look to You, where I should have looked in the first place. And if things are going to get fixed, and I desperately want it fixed, I'm going to have to pray about it. Give me ears to hear Your voice.